Remember when the Israelites were wandering around in the desert and were despairing of their lives and groaning because they did not know where their next meal would come from? And then God provided manna for them? And the ambitious and industrious among them set out to gather as much as they could possibly store in their tents so that they would be safeguarded against a drought in the provision? And God said "Hold on just a minute - that was not exactly what I had planned."
Well, we have been in a strictly manna relationship with God this year. And it is humbling! I would like to line my little storehouse and know what I'm going to eat tomorrow, the next day, and five years down the road too! God knows I have a tendency to cry out to Him in times of hardship, and then when things seem manageable, say, (by my lack of humility and prayer) "Its ok God, I've got this." How I love to think I did it on my own! How I try to present myself to people as if I've got it all together, and I don't need their help, or His daily sustenance. Just a pat on the head for being such a good girl will suffice. I have a strong desire to be "self-sufficient". Diligence and ambition are not bad, but self-sufficiency is an illusion of mine that God has had to tear down for me again and again.
This year has been no exception. Many of our best laid out plans have fallen through in one way or another, and we have been hit with sickness, pestilence, and plague in various forms non-stop since the beginning of the year. None of these things have been calamitous by any means, but they have been enough to take me regularly back to my knees. I love living life when it's comfortable. There are no deep questions to be answered, no huge tasks beyond the regular daily care of our household, no immediate financial anxiety, no uneasiness or tension in relationships, no parsley stuck in your teeth when you open your mouth in public, you get the picture. At least, I think that's what I love. I can't recall ever trying it out for long enough to be sure.
This last week we have had to rely heavily on the goodness of God, and He has provided for us through friends who have been so generous with their time and resources while our vehicle was out of commission (again). Tomorrow is slated to be the day that this most recent episode of insecurity comes to a close. I hope it does, but I hope we won't forget what manna tastes like.